A Word That Bothers Me

Hi everyone, 

I know it's been forever since I've updated, but something recently caught my attention, and I felt here would be an appropriate place to "vent" about it. 

For privacy purposes, I'm not going into great detail about how everything went down, but I recently came across a person who feels it's okay to loosely use the word "psycho."

Call me overly sensitive, but that word makes me want to throw up. And I'll tell you why. 

Like any other disease, mental illness simply cannot be helped. People who have a psychiatric diagnosis can't help the fact that they are "sick," just as a person with a physical illness can't help the disease that they have. Neither situations are wanted or asked for, but are an unfortunate reality. 

I feel as though mental illness is so glamorized by society. Tv portrays anxiety as "oh I have butterflies," eating disorders as being "pretty and skinny," and depression as laying on a couch with a sad expression on your face. It is also seen that people with mental illness get undivided attention and sympathy from family and friends, when the complete opposite is true. What you don't see is the guilt felt by the person for their illness taking a huge toll on their family. Or the paralyzingly fear of a panic attack. You don't hear them screaming for help as panic takes over their entire body. You can't tell that they only weigh 98 pounds because they physically can't eat. You don't see their moms having to carry them to the couch because they are too weak to walk. You didn't rush them to the ER because they were about to have a breakdown. You didn't clean and bandage their self harm wounds. Who is "they" you ask? They is me. In 6th and 9th grade when I was at my worst. Therapy and medicine just didn't help. I was "the worst case" my doctor had ever seen. 

Go ahead, tell me I'm "just being dramatic." But in reality, mental illness isn't beautiful or easy to deal with, it's downright ugly. 

As for the term "psycho," it's negative and degrading. People with ANY kind of mental illness are most likely already insecure about it. They don't need to be reminded that they are seemingly different. 

Sorry for the rant, but I really needed to get that off my chest. 

Thanks for reading. 

What the F***?!?

So I had my 3rd appointment with my new psychiatrist today. Since this blog is about honesty, I will be brutally honest. I am so mad. We were talking about my panic attacks and he said all of this is immaturity. That my anxieties are immature and that my checking and panic attacks are immature. Like I can help it. That just really insults me. I didn't choose this life. I didn't choose to have  panic disorder. Your psychiatric diagnosis SHOULD NOT define you as a person. I just begin to wonder what kind of person he really is. Would he go up to someone with cancer and say that the fact that they have cancer is immature? In no way does anxiety measure up to cancer in intensity, but it is the same in the you can't prevent getting either. Not only do I feel completely walked all over myself, I feel that this whole community in the world of people who have anxiety is being insulted. In no way does this shape who we are. So for today, I  just wanna encourage you to let those ignorant comments go in one ear and out the other. I know it feels like someone kicked you in the throat and knocked the wind out of you, but just hang in there. Everybody with a pure and true heart understands who you really are. Not what your anxieties make you sometimes and only people with pure and true hearts are the ones you will ever need in your life.

Win Some, Lose Some

I'm kinda in one of my stuck moments right now, so I have decided to tell you all what's going on. So today started out exciting with me looking forward to going to the mall with my mom and grandma. I was so pumped and I begged my mom to take us all week. I was a little anxious going out the door this morning, which I had expected since I was going out for an entire day for the first time in awhile. We went and picked my grandma up, and I could feel my stomach starting to feel funny in the car. I had just eaten breakfast, so I comforted myself with that reasoning. When we got to the mall, I could feel the anxiety start to build but, damn it, I was determined to cope. We went in one of my favorite stores, which helped me calm down and then we continued to walk around the mall. After a little while, my grandma needed to sit down, so we went and sat at a rest area outside of JCPenny. It was then that my mind was no longer entertained and thinking errors (false thoughts about my stomach) started to take over my brain. I couldn't check because I was in public and I didn't want other people to hear. I also wanted to challenge myself to refrain from checking. My mom could tell I was anxious, not only by the way I couldn't sit still, but by the few times I snuck a "will I be ok?" in in private. There was a store we wanted to go to outside of the mall, so we started walking out to the car. I could feel my stomach bubbling and getting acidy from the anxiety. I am also probably hungry. We went to the store outside of the mall and when we were done there, we were planning on going to some stores back more towards my house. I felt I  needed a break, so we decided that my mom would take my grandma to those other stores and I could come home to relax. Currently, that is what's happening. Mom and grandma are out shopping and I came home and took an Ativan so that hopefully I can go back to my grandma's for dinner. I feel a little disappointed that I couldn't go to the stores around my house with them. I feel like my worries sort of won that battle, although my doctor said I may get anxious going out. I just have to remind myself that this was a BIG step and I did pretty well considering what I have been going through lately. I made it to Lord and Taylor, Harry and David,a sports store, MAC, Nordstrom, Hallmark, Icing, Claire's, JCPenny and to get bubble tea. I challenged myself with all of that and I WON those battles. That's what I choose to focus on. The Paxil is beginning to work a little and soon, I will start feeling more effects of it and feel less anxious. I'm focusing on praising God during what I'm going through right now and I look forward to getting better! Thanks for reading!

Update Coming Soon

I will be doing an update soon. I have been more anxious lately and I need to calm myself down. Thanks for checking back!

Turning Point.....Maybe

Hey, everyone,
So these past few days have been kinda boring anxiety wise, which I suppose is better than having interesting ones. I started my Paxil yesterday and today I took my second dose of 10 mg. I still get very anxious at night and have trouble eating and falling asleep. I try to snack a lot during the day because I know the chances of me being able to sit down for a meal are very slim. That's about it. Everything has pretty much been the same since we last talked. Let's hope the Paxil starts working soon! Thanks for reading!

New Doctor, New Meds

Good afternoon, everyone,
So today was my first appointment with my new psychiatrist! I am so excited! He seems like he really knows what he's talking about and he is very smart. He was also very understanding of my situation and I felt as though he could explain how I felt to my mom better than I could. That was the most amazing thing in the world to see her realize how I really feel. Since it was what they call an "intake appointment" it was really just history. We decided that the Prozac I'm on really isn't doing anything so tomorrow morning, I stop the Prozac and begin taking 10 mg of Paxil. We will raise the dose to 20 mg after 3 days. It will take about 6-8 weeks for the Paxil to reach its full effect, but it will begin helping soon after I start it. I am grateful for even just a little bit of relief right now! He said that in 2 weeks, the Prozac will be out of my system completely which is when I should feel the Paxil starting to help a little bit. He also gave me a prescription for Adivan in 0.5 mg tablets for emergencies when I have really bad panic attacks. I hope I won't need them, though! I am very encouraged and I am ready to start feeling better! Thanks for reading!

Hard Night

Just a quick little update, I haven't been doing too well tonight. Extra stress in my life has just pushed me over the edge. I hope it's taken care of so I can get back to getting better. I'm kinda taken aback, as I was doing fairly well. Now, the entire focus has been on my stomach and it's really miserable. I'm trying to remain optimistic, as I will hopefully be getting new meds tomorrow. I have heard lots of good things about this particular doctor and I'm hoping he can help me. As of now, here I am, 11:04 pm with no intention of going to sleep any time soon. Keeping the windows closed is hard when I'm anxious and my mom doesn't want me to open them this late at night. I am feeling so trapped. I am just focusing on praying right now and looking forward to relief.