What the F***?!?

So I had my 3rd appointment with my new psychiatrist today. Since this blog is about honesty, I will be brutally honest. I am so mad. We were talking about my panic attacks and he said all of this is immaturity. That my anxieties are immature and that my checking and panic attacks are immature. Like I can help it. That just really insults me. I didn't choose this life. I didn't choose to have  panic disorder. Your psychiatric diagnosis SHOULD NOT define you as a person. I just begin to wonder what kind of person he really is. Would he go up to someone with cancer and say that the fact that they have cancer is immature? In no way does anxiety measure up to cancer in intensity, but it is the same in the you can't prevent getting either. Not only do I feel completely walked all over myself, I feel that this whole community in the world of people who have anxiety is being insulted. In no way does this shape who we are. So for today, I  just wanna encourage you to let those ignorant comments go in one ear and out the other. I know it feels like someone kicked you in the throat and knocked the wind out of you, but just hang in there. Everybody with a pure and true heart understands who you really are. Not what your anxieties make you sometimes and only people with pure and true hearts are the ones you will ever need in your life.

Win Some, Lose Some

I'm kinda in one of my stuck moments right now, so I have decided to tell you all what's going on. So today started out exciting with me looking forward to going to the mall with my mom and grandma. I was so pumped and I begged my mom to take us all week. I was a little anxious going out the door this morning, which I had expected since I was going out for an entire day for the first time in awhile. We went and picked my grandma up, and I could feel my stomach starting to feel funny in the car. I had just eaten breakfast, so I comforted myself with that reasoning. When we got to the mall, I could feel the anxiety start to build but, damn it, I was determined to cope. We went in one of my favorite stores, which helped me calm down and then we continued to walk around the mall. After a little while, my grandma needed to sit down, so we went and sat at a rest area outside of JCPenny. It was then that my mind was no longer entertained and thinking errors (false thoughts about my stomach) started to take over my brain. I couldn't check because I was in public and I didn't want other people to hear. I also wanted to challenge myself to refrain from checking. My mom could tell I was anxious, not only by the way I couldn't sit still, but by the few times I snuck a "will I be ok?" in in private. There was a store we wanted to go to outside of the mall, so we started walking out to the car. I could feel my stomach bubbling and getting acidy from the anxiety. I am also probably hungry. We went to the store outside of the mall and when we were done there, we were planning on going to some stores back more towards my house. I felt I  needed a break, so we decided that my mom would take my grandma to those other stores and I could come home to relax. Currently, that is what's happening. Mom and grandma are out shopping and I came home and took an Ativan so that hopefully I can go back to my grandma's for dinner. I feel a little disappointed that I couldn't go to the stores around my house with them. I feel like my worries sort of won that battle, although my doctor said I may get anxious going out. I just have to remind myself that this was a BIG step and I did pretty well considering what I have been going through lately. I made it to Lord and Taylor, Harry and David,a sports store, MAC, Nordstrom, Hallmark, Icing, Claire's, JCPenny and to get bubble tea. I challenged myself with all of that and I WON those battles. That's what I choose to focus on. The Paxil is beginning to work a little and soon, I will start feeling more effects of it and feel less anxious. I'm focusing on praising God during what I'm going through right now and I look forward to getting better! Thanks for reading!

Update Coming Soon

I will be doing an update soon. I have been more anxious lately and I need to calm myself down. Thanks for checking back!

Turning Point.....Maybe

Hey, everyone,
So these past few days have been kinda boring anxiety wise, which I suppose is better than having interesting ones. I started my Paxil yesterday and today I took my second dose of 10 mg. I still get very anxious at night and have trouble eating and falling asleep. I try to snack a lot during the day because I know the chances of me being able to sit down for a meal are very slim. That's about it. Everything has pretty much been the same since we last talked. Let's hope the Paxil starts working soon! Thanks for reading!

New Doctor, New Meds

Good afternoon, everyone,
So today was my first appointment with my new psychiatrist! I am so excited! He seems like he really knows what he's talking about and he is very smart. He was also very understanding of my situation and I felt as though he could explain how I felt to my mom better than I could. That was the most amazing thing in the world to see her realize how I really feel. Since it was what they call an "intake appointment" it was really just history. We decided that the Prozac I'm on really isn't doing anything so tomorrow morning, I stop the Prozac and begin taking 10 mg of Paxil. We will raise the dose to 20 mg after 3 days. It will take about 6-8 weeks for the Paxil to reach its full effect, but it will begin helping soon after I start it. I am grateful for even just a little bit of relief right now! He said that in 2 weeks, the Prozac will be out of my system completely which is when I should feel the Paxil starting to help a little bit. He also gave me a prescription for Adivan in 0.5 mg tablets for emergencies when I have really bad panic attacks. I hope I won't need them, though! I am very encouraged and I am ready to start feeling better! Thanks for reading!

Hard Night

Just a quick little update, I haven't been doing too well tonight. Extra stress in my life has just pushed me over the edge. I hope it's taken care of so I can get back to getting better. I'm kinda taken aback, as I was doing fairly well. Now, the entire focus has been on my stomach and it's really miserable. I'm trying to remain optimistic, as I will hopefully be getting new meds tomorrow. I have heard lots of good things about this particular doctor and I'm hoping he can help me. As of now, here I am, 11:04 pm with no intention of going to sleep any time soon. Keeping the windows closed is hard when I'm anxious and my mom doesn't want me to open them this late at night. I am feeling so trapped. I am just focusing on praying right now and looking forward to relief.

One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

Hello everybody,
So yesterday was a little bit of a rough day. I was very in tune with my stomach and couldn't stop checking with my mom to make sure I was alright. I got little bouts of panic but I used my balloon and opened a window. Again, it's just a temporary safety behavior that will go away soon. I kind of hit a low yesterday night. Since I haven't been eating, my energy was drained and I was very tired. I felt like complete crap. I guess this was good, though, because I was able to eat my dinner. I just couldn't stand the empty feeling anymore. I have a regular doctor's appointment today, and tomorrow, I will be seeing my new psychiatrist to get some new medicine. I just need to hang in there. That's about all that happened yesterday. Thanks for reading!

Anxious Eater

Hi everyone,
Yesterday was very interesting.. I did ok during the day. I was busy catching up on school and taking some tests and what not, but I was still very focused on my stomach the entire day. Around dinnertime, however, I started to get more anxious. I attributed it to the fact that I was in a situation where I had to eat so of course I would be anxious. I stepped away from the table in hopes I could clear my mind and go back. Didn't quite happen. I was anxious for pretty much the rest of the night. I knew deep down I was hungry and that's what I was feeling, but I just couldn't eat. Nothing looked good and the thought just disgusted me. I used my ballon strategy along with the ice and fan, but I still had to open a window. It kinda disappointed me, but I know that it's just a temporary safety behavior. That's about it for yesterday! Thanks for reading!

Yesterday

Good morning!
Just a little update on how yesterday went... I had a little bit of a harder time anxiety wise. I didn't have a "panic attack" but I did get really anxious. I used my balloon strategy along with one I just learned with my doctor. When I get anxious, I get a trapped feeling and I like to open doors and windows. The only problem is, is it's getting cold outside and while it feels like it's a million degrees to me, my dog and my parents are freezing. So we decided that I should put an ice pack on the back of my neck and fan myself with a notebook. That way, I can stay cool and no one else has to suffer. It also helped that my mom needed help cooking dinner and that I could use that to distract myself. That was about it for yesterday! Thanks for reading!

Little Update

Hey guys,
So today,  I am going to be working on finishing the rest of my story. I will be picking up from where I left off (end of elementary school/beginning of middle school) so look for that either today or tomorrow! Warning, I am going to go into great detail about my hospital experience so if you are squeamish of medical situations, I suggest you not read the post.

Getting Things Done

Hi everyone,
Another good day! I will head today off by saying that I am a little anxious right now, about a 2-3, and have been for the last hour. I was at the store with my mom and I asked her to take me home. I am proud, though, because I tried to fight it and used my coping skills! I am heading it off by using my balloons for deep breathing, which has helped. Just trying to relax. During the day, however, I was very busy! I did a lot of school today and I am one step closer to being caught up!!! I also have a lot on my mind with the fact that this is homecoming weekend and I can't go because of my panic attacks. Nothing really new to update on. I see my doctor Tuesday and until then, I am eager to keep getting better at managing the anxiety. Thanks for reading!

Good Day!

Hi!
I am so happy to report that today has been an awesome day anxiety wise! I had another doctor's appointment again today and she helped me come up with more coping skills. We decided that I should exercise to head off my anxiety when I am at about a 2 on the anxiety ladder, just because of how unstable I have been. When possible, I am going to sprint to the corner of my street and time myself. Not only will the cardio work help, but my doctor and I can see how my times vary as I get higher up on they anxiety scale. When I can't run outside, I will jump rope in my basement instead. This will also get my heart rate up and my panic level down. Also, I have been known to have trouble with deep breathing when I am anxious, so my doctor also recommended that I try to blow up balloons when I'm anxious since that will force me to do deep breathing. I am excited to try these coping skills, but I am thankful that I haven't had to today. I was able to go to the store with my mom, and while I got a little anxious, about a 2-3, I was able to distract myself and get it down quickly. I even asked my mom to stay at the store a little longer so I could learn to cope in a different setting other than my house and my doctor's office, my "safe places". I ate quite well today and I feel so full since I haven't been eating, even though I didn't eat too much. Baby steps. I am winding down and congratulating myself for coping well today and not having a real panic attack! My mom says that even in these past few days, I have been managing my anxiety better. I am still taking the NAC supplement and we should be ready to start twice a day this weekend! I have an appointment with a new psychiatrist on Wednesday and I believe that I will be getting new meds to take some of the weight off of my shoulders while I learn to cope on my own. I have a goal of being medication free one day and this is another step to get there! I feel awesome and I hope that this continues into tomorrow! Thanks for reading!

Rough Patch

Hello, everyone,
The day recently just started getting rough as dinnertime approaches. I always seem to get anxious at night for no reason. I'm trying to remain optimistic, however. Today was day 4 of using natural supplements to calm my anxiety and in a couple of days, I will be up to 2 pills a day. I am still feeling in control, but my stomach is freaking me out. Deep down, I know it's hunger since I haven't eaten anything in about a week. I know I'm safe, I know I'm fine and I know I will make it through tonight!

Life Is Good

Praise God! I am feeling AMAZING today!! I have been eating well and haven't (knock on wood) had a panic attack yet! I finally feel like I am getting my life back. Words cannot explain how happy I am right now! I don't know how long this is going to last (hopefully awhile) but I am cherishing every moment! I'm getting school accomplished during the day so I can relax and watch Red Band Society tonight! Thanks for reading and let's hope this keeps up!

Getting Mad

Hi guys,
So after what I thought was a good session with my doctor, I attempted to go to my flute practice. I got really anxious there, but still didn't want to flee immediately. I stepped out of the room that we were practicing in and sat in the hallway with my mom. The anxiety dipped and went back up. Though it was manageable, I still couldn't go back into the rehearsal room. I sat and talked with my mom and the coordinator of the organization that I play for. We finally just decided at the break to go home. I was a little disappointed that I couldn't play, I felt accomplished that I tried to fight it anyway. The anxiety got a little higher when we got home and now, I am anxious and beyond pissed. My mom is supposed to be finding me a new psychiatrist, but she's going what seems like way too slow. She says it's good for me to experience panic attacks while I can and learn how to deal with them, but I honestly can't do it much longer. I haven't told you about my past hospital experience, but it was a bad one. I swore to myself that I would never want to go there again, but it seems as though that's the only way I will be getting help any time soon. My parents won't take me, so I would have to call 911 and they would take me. I just want peace and relief already and I am getting frustrated. My parents call these episodes of frustration "tantrums" but I know it is just me running out of energy to fight. My medicine doesn't work and I haven't stopped taking medicine since before I was in the hospital in 6th grade. The only medicine I can take now is a low dose of Propranolol to keep my heart from racing and to help with the physical symptoms of a panic attack. I am all on my own and very stuck. I need to get back to my life. I don't have the time for this stuff. I have a marching band, a flute choir, a church band and friends at school (I am currently taking online classes) that I want to be with. Who knows how long it is going to take to get into a new doctor. I'm just hoping for the best but I am prepared to fight a long battle. I'm trying so hard to stay positive but it's getting hard and is physically starting to take its toll on me since I can't eat. Let's hope every day keeps getting better and that a new doctor comes soon! Thanks for reading! :)

Things are looking up!!!

Hey everyone!
I feel so much better today! It was a rough night last night with 2 more panic attacks but I am starting to gain more control! I know when they are coming and I get involved in something right away to head them off. I am not getting to the point where it's almost like I have left my body and I am watching from the outside. I am beginning to learn how to cope and I am getting stronger by the day. Although eating meals is still a challenge, I try to snack throughout the day so that I don't lose weight. I have also started taking NAC, a type of natural supplement, which I believe is starting to help me! I have a doctor's appointment today and I can't wait to get more coping skills. Let's hope we continue in this direction!

Unsure

So about tomorrows' post. I'm not exactly sure if I'm ready to talk about 6th grade. I'm trying to focus on being healthy in the moment and trying to let the past go. I WILL get around to it. Just until I get more coping skills and get my meds changed, I will be focusing on the issue at hand- my panic attacks. Sorry!

Quick Update

Hi, everybody,
Just a quick little update.. I had a little anxiety attack this afternoon. I have to say I'm pretty proud of myself for staying in control and keeping my cool! I noticed right away when I began to feel anxious. I had/am having the following symptoms...
~Stomach discomfort (I don't really like the term nausea)
~Chills
~Shaky hands
~Feeling like I'm losing control
~Feeling like this will never end
~Tense legs
I like to look at each anxiety/panic attack as a 10 step ladder. You start on the bottom with 0, which is no anxiety and you keep going up. 10 is maximum anxiety/full panic mode. I say this one got up to a 5-6. To me, 5-6 means that it is very uncomfortable and you feel like you are losing control, but you can find something to keep you occupied and you can sit at a comfortable 3-4. The key is reminding yourself that you won't be on the ladder forever. You have to eventually come back down to the ground, or 0. With that in mind, you have to also remember to be patient and keep in mind that you have to go up in order to come back down. Right now, I would say I'm at a 3-4 comfortably. It feels really bad and it sucks, but I am in control and I can manage. I recently learned that panic attacks can only last 5-10 minutes at their peak, and that is always encouraging. In the moment, I am trying to focus on what I'm typing to you as well as happy memories. I am trying to encourage myself that this might feel uncomfortable now but this can't hurt me or make me throw up. I know God is taking care of me and I'm doing his will! This will end soon and I finally feel in control of my anxieties! Thank you for listening and I hope that this helped you a little bit in coping with your own anxiety!

My Story

Good hello, my friends!

In my last post, I tried to explain what's going on. But I had just gotten done having a panic attack and I was still a little fuzzy. So here is me explaining to you how I got where I am today. Sit down, stay awhile. This might take a few minutes.



As a 14 year old girl, it is very overwhelming to think about all that has happened. But it all started when I was a kid. As a young child, I was very happy. I have 2 amazing parents who have now been married for 22 years in May! I am an only child, so I got all of the attention (good and bad) and was kinda spoiled. I was extremely creative and smart. Also, I was, and still am, a people person. I try to be friends with everybody and see the good in every human being. Social and talkative from day one, my parents say I haven't shut up since age 2. I was very artsy and musically inclined, I loved to draw and paint as a kid and hung my work on the refrigerator. To this day, I am a very musically inclined person. I have played flute for 3 years, but I started out on pots and pans! As a toddler, I would always drag my mom's clean cookware on the floor and I LOVED banging the lids of pots and pans together. When I got a little older, I discovered my dad's drum set in the basement and thoroughly enjoyed giving my parents headaches with that. I also loved to sing and would belt out every song I knew at the top of my lungs. This was all caught on tape by my dad, so I grew up with a camera in my face. I loved life and nothing could bring me down. I loved school, I loved my friends and I didn't have a care in the world. Until that one day in 2nd grade.........



It was a Monday in October. Very nice day...sunny.....warm.......anyways, I woke up that morning with a sore throat. I thought nothing of it since I had one pretty much every day from allergies. Little did I know that this would have a different outcome. My mom had tried to get me to stay home from school, but as I said before, I loved school so much and I was very stubborn, so I insisted that she take me to school anyways. I don't remember much of that morning, but my life would be changed forever that very afternoon. It was silent reading time after lunch. I was reading Amelia Bedelia Goes to the Doctor. All of a sudden, I got a twinge in my stomach. I shrugged it off as I was known to get anxious for no reason as a child and I knew stomach was a symptom of anxiety. But, I started to worry as it got worse. I finally got too uncomfortable and I asked my teacher to go to the nurse. She checked me out and discovered I had a fever. She called my mom to come pick me up and sent me back to class to get my backpack. When I came back from getting my backpack, I sat down in the office. After a few minutes, my mom was there. At this point, I felt absolutely miserable. My mom had something to give my teacher, so she insisted upon running it down to my classroom, which was just down the hall. I begged her not to go, but it had to be done. When she got back, she signed me out and we began to walk out of the office. I told her my tummy felt weird but she told me i was fine. About 10 feet out the door of the school, I threw up. It felt good to get it out, but it scared me. My mom went in to tell the office and to get a bag for the car ride home (which was 2 minutes). The rest of the day was spent puking my brains out, about 7 times, I recall. But my throat still didn't get better. My mom took me to the doctor where they stuck one of those giant q tips down my throat and said I had strep throat. I was started on an antibiotic but things didn't go quite as planned....



I was young, so I couldn't swallow a pill. Liquid Amoxicillen tastes like Hell, so I refused to take my medicine. We tried mixing the dust in the capsules with my juice, even pudding. But I still couldn't take it. It took me 3 weeks to complete that entire round of antibiotics. In the mean time, my mom did what any mom would do. After I had been fever-free for 24 hours, she sent me back to school. Or tried. I was so scared that I would throw up again that it took both my mom and dad to get me in the door, where we met with the principal and school social worker. They allowed my mom to stay in school with me that day, in hopes it would calm me down. I had a very hard day that day, but that day also started a brand new trend in my life! It was called mom staying in school with me all day for 4 months. She started sitting right next to my desk. Then, she sat on the rocker in the back of the class. After that, they moved her into the back hallway of the classroom, where she would do little side jobs for the teacher. 4 months later, we got her out of school completely. Lunch was the hardest part of the day, so it was determined that I could go home for lunch. That year tested my family very poorly. I had a ton of panic attacks, but back then, no one knew what they were or how to help me. The school labeled me as the “bad kid” and thought my anxiety was a behavior problem. So naturally, they treated me as if I had a behavior problem, which only made things worse. Finally, my parents and I sought the help of a professional therapist. And, boy, did it change our world. He explained that what I was going through was OCD and panic disorder with Emetophobia, the fear of vomiting. He reassured us that what I was going through was normal for my diagnosis and that it was not a behavior problem. Although it was hard to do real therapy since I was only 7, he helped my parents help me through panic attacks and explained them to us a little better. We had come up with a plan to get my mom out of school gradually, starting for half days at a time, and it worked! By May, my mom was out of school with me and I began to function somewhat normally again!





Pretty soon school let out, and I could put that hard year behind me. Summer came and went without a problem, but things started getting crazy again when I started 3^rd grade. The panic attacks were back and I felt even more helpless. I was given passes to go see the resource room teachers, who could help me through my panic attack, 5 minutes in the morning and 5 minutes in the afternoon. At this point, I was still going home for lunch. My teacher had a son who suffered with anxiety, so it was helpful that she was familiar with the whole concept. But it just got more and more difficult for me. My therapist referred me to a psychiatrist to prescribe me medicine. I started out on a low dose of Zoloft, which didn't go too well. My anxieties were kept at bay, but I began to have trouble focusing in class, which resulted in poor grades. We decided to switch to a different doctor and try Prozac, all while working with my therapist. This didn't work either. According to my mom, the Prozac turned me into a raging bitch, so we decided to move on to Celexa. The Celexa seemed to work and got me through the rest of 3^rd grade.





The summer of 3^rd grade quickly passed, and off to 4^th grade I went. And guess what, no problems! Of course I had the occasional moments of anxiety, but all in all 4^th grade was an awesome year for me! I had the world's best teacher, who understood my situation completely. To this day I absolutely love her and she is my favorite teacher of all time! 4^th grade zoomed by, and pretty soon, I was in my last year of Elementary School. 5^th grade went the same way with virtually no problems! I thought maybe this was the end of it all. But, boy, was I dead wrong.





That's where I will end for this post. I know it's a lot to take in. Tomorrow, I will tell you about my 6^th grade year up until now! Thanks for reading! I really appreciate it!

Here I Am. I Don't Know the Rest....

Well....welcome to my blog! I'm not known for really following up on these blog things, but I will try....I need to. So I just got done having my 4th panic attack of the week. It seems like it will never stop! At 14, I think I have had more panic attacks than having sneezed. I just feel so trapped. My 80mg of Prozac have stopped working again. I was hospitalized the first time I had this happen and I'm scared that I will have to go again. It's a whirlwind of things wrapped into one HUGE panic attack. I can't really eat either, so I'm getting really skinny. I guess I'm kinda a mess right now. But I'll pull through...always have, always will. Sorry my first post is sucky. I will try to update tomorrow in more detail so you can understand the whole story. Thanks for listening to my venting! I needed to do this.