Getting Mad

Hi guys,
So after what I thought was a good session with my doctor, I attempted to go to my flute practice. I got really anxious there, but still didn't want to flee immediately. I stepped out of the room that we were practicing in and sat in the hallway with my mom. The anxiety dipped and went back up. Though it was manageable, I still couldn't go back into the rehearsal room. I sat and talked with my mom and the coordinator of the organization that I play for. We finally just decided at the break to go home. I was a little disappointed that I couldn't play, I felt accomplished that I tried to fight it anyway. The anxiety got a little higher when we got home and now, I am anxious and beyond pissed. My mom is supposed to be finding me a new psychiatrist, but she's going what seems like way too slow. She says it's good for me to experience panic attacks while I can and learn how to deal with them, but I honestly can't do it much longer. I haven't told you about my past hospital experience, but it was a bad one. I swore to myself that I would never want to go there again, but it seems as though that's the only way I will be getting help any time soon. My parents won't take me, so I would have to call 911 and they would take me. I just want peace and relief already and I am getting frustrated. My parents call these episodes of frustration "tantrums" but I know it is just me running out of energy to fight. My medicine doesn't work and I haven't stopped taking medicine since before I was in the hospital in 6th grade. The only medicine I can take now is a low dose of Propranolol to keep my heart from racing and to help with the physical symptoms of a panic attack. I am all on my own and very stuck. I need to get back to my life. I don't have the time for this stuff. I have a marching band, a flute choir, a church band and friends at school (I am currently taking online classes) that I want to be with. Who knows how long it is going to take to get into a new doctor. I'm just hoping for the best but I am prepared to fight a long battle. I'm trying so hard to stay positive but it's getting hard and is physically starting to take its toll on me since I can't eat. Let's hope every day keeps getting better and that a new doctor comes soon! Thanks for reading! :)